HELP NOTES
How to Cope with Your Child's Serious Illness
1. Educate Yourself
- At first, you may allow your doctors to make all decisions for your child as you adjust to the shock of diagnosis.
- As time goes by, you will feel more confident taking an active role in your child's care. You are the "expert" on your child.
- Understanding your child's illness and treatment will be easier if you read and ask questions.
- Write your questions down as they come to you so you don't forget to ask!
- Ask other parents about their experiences. You are not alone.
2. Make Peace With Your Guilt
- You may feel responsible for your child's illness. Many parents experience this feeling.
- There is no scientific evidence that anything parents did or didn't do led to their child's cancer.
- Guilt places stress on parents, robbing them of their ability to cope and support the child effectively.
- Make peace with your guilt, focusing on the present.
- Good and bad people become ill. No one is to blame, the illness is not a punishment.
3. Tell Your Child The Truth
- Be truthful, but gentle, when you explain the illness to your child.
- Adjust the information to a level your child can understand.
- Ask a health care professional how to tell your child about the illness if you are unsure.
- Being honest with your child allows him or her to be honest with you about fears and concerns.
- Because your child does not talk about cancer or death, do not assume he or she has not thought about it.
- Be prepared to deal with the child's anger or fear.
- Ask your child's health care team how to cope with the feelings your child expresses.
4. Be Your Child's Advocate. You know your child better than anyone else.
- Exercise your right to ease your child's stress and frustration.
- Talk to other parents who have "been there."
- Make doctors and nurses are aware of what your child needs in order to cope with treatment.
- Bring favorite toys and comfort objects from home.
- If you feel mistrust of those caring for your child, discuss your concerns with those involved. Children will mirror your anxiety.
- Realize you do have some control over your child's experience during treatment.
- Allow your child to make reasonable choices. This gives the child some sense of control.
5. Talk To Siblings (Brothers and Sisters)
- Begin conversations about the child's illness. Siblings will have questions they are afraid to ask.
- Tell siblings cancer is not contagious.
- Tell the siblings they did not cause the cancer.
- Prepare siblings for their brother or sister's hair loss, weight gain or loss, changes in mood, upcoming surgeries or hospitalizations.
- Try not to focus all your attention and love on the sick child.
- Involve siblings in the child's treatment as appropriate.
- Consider family counseling, or play therapy for the siblings to talk about their feelings.
6. Take Care of Yourself or Preparing for the Long Haul
- Medical treatment often lasts several years.
- The illness will become a focus of your life. Prepare for reduced work schedules, less vacation time, family separations, and MORE STRESS.
- Try to treat your sick child as normally as possible, maintaining usual discipline.
- Be aware of how your perspective changes as you no longer "take things for granted." These feelings may distance you from your friends.
- It is not selfish to take care of yourself. Allow time to "recharge your batteries." Take time to be alone, to grieve, to relax.
- Find a constructive outlet for your anger and fear. Prayer, gardening, exercise, or being with a close friend can help most people.
- Make time for your spouse. Serious illness places serious strain on the marital relationship.
- Ask for help from friends, family, and neighbors. If you can think of specific tasks all the better. Ask a friend to bring a casserole over on a day you will be in clinic, to pick up your dry-cleaning, to baby-sit, to help you clean your house, cut your grass, etc.
- Realize loved ones and friends may not react to a child's illness in ways you expect. They may withdraw completely or be over-involved.
- Live day to day, enjoying the small victories.
- Attend support groups, speak to a social worker, counselor or member of the clergy.
- Plan small pleasures into each day. A phone call, good music, a long bath can all help you cope.
Return to Cancer Topics
Contact Information
Jeff Ungetheim, MA, MDIV.
Support Program
336-713-5984
1-877-861-8634
email: jungethe@wfubmc.edu
Support Program Website
www.wfubmc.edu/brenner/den/CancerSupport/index.html
Marti Hicks, MSW
Social Worker
336-716-6857
Important Telephone Numbers
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